After bringing Mikey home on the night he died, it was dark and I was glad that I didn't have to bury him yet.
Bob said he would dig the hole when he got off work the following day, he got off early.
This still gave me more time to try and wrap my head around all of this.
I had placed Mikey in his booster seat which is right next to my bed.
(My mattress is directly on the floor because of Mikey's arthritis, it made it easier for him to get up onto the bed.)
I remember falling aseep with my hand on him, I didn't want to miss one second of the time we had left in this physical world, I knew, I would never have another chance to touch him again.
He was cold and I kept adjusting his blanket like that would make a difference somehow.
My brain was in such shock that night, I'm sure most of the things I did would make little sense to the outside world.
I remember not sleeping much that night, waking up many times, praying each time for it all to be a dream but then feeling his coldness would bring me back.
My dreams were so wild that night, I kept dreaming about me running with Mikey, we just kept running, I don't know where we were going but we were running so fast.
I woud wake up and feel scared.
The following morning just felt like dread, I knew what was coming.
It took me most of the morning to gather stuff for his burial pod. I talked to him the whole time and watched as each of my cats made their way into our bedroom to say their goodbyes.
Even though, I was gathering his things for burial, I was still in denial a bit, protecting myself from what was about to happen.
I couldn't have him cremated, I just couldn't but the thought of of putting him in the ground was making me physically sick.
I remember opening and shutting his pod 20 times for one more kiss.
By the time Bob got home and dug the hole, I thought I was as ready as I could be.
Nope.
As we headed to his gravesite, I carried him in his pod but my legs felt so weak, it was the longest shortest walk I have ever taken.
I asked Bob to lower him into the grave and Haley and I watched as the music began to fade.
I totally lost it.
I'm serious, like a little kid, I was stomping my feet and crying and screaming no!
Please no.
Haley was holding me up, otherwise I would have fallen. She just kept squeezing me tighter.
I thought I would want to stay there by his grave for longer but I didnt, I just wanted to sleep.
I can see his grave from my bedroom window but he is no longer there, I feel him now everywhere else, in our room, in the kitchen outside in the garden, he is all over this place because I am.
It's taken these past months to put it all into perspective, losing Mikey has been so sad but at the same time, it has been so beautiful.
The outpouring of love after his death and even now has been so incredible.
To know that his story has touched so many people is actually keeping him alive for me.
He has taught me that even death cannot take from us what we share with one another.
His memory is so alive within me every single day.
Nothing can take away all the times he has been there for me and he can still be here for me even now and he is because love never dies.
Even in death, he still teaches me.
Models are Mikey and his Mom (me)
Our last cuddle
