Cats Anonymous

Note: These twelve steps of those faced with CATS (Cat Adoration Totally Syndrome) are still a work in progress. They don't seem to be doing much for those with CATS, and should therefore be viewed as a work in progress by those crazy few who wish to relinquish their grip on CATS.

The Twelve Steps of CATS

1. We admitted we were powerless under the rule of our cats - that our lives had become periods of servitude interspersed with frequent chances to devise new playthings for our "owners".

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than our cats could restore us to our sanity (Of course this isn't true! Who could believe it?!?)

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him (but since our cats are God already, this step was completed in the very beginning... this should have been Step 1!)

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of our household, and still can't figure out how the dead bird appeared on our pillow, the kitty litter in the water-dish, and the cat-hair on everything!

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs - but since all three were CATS members already, we ended up swapping anecdotes for the rest of the night!

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character, but decided against it when that furball climbed into our lap again.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings - so we could better entertain our feline friends.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all - no matter how much all those tins of gourmet cat food cost.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when they wouldn't deign to be scratched or petted.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it to our cats... who knew it from the start and had been telling us all along.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with cats as we understood them, praying only for knowledge of their will for us and the power to carry that will out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to those faced with CATS and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Newcomers are not asked to accept or follow these Twelve Steps in their entirety if they feel unwilling or unable to do so.

(Note: This parody is based on the original twelve steps of alcoholics anonymous, which can be found at the Alcoholics Anonymous website. In no way, shape, or form should this be looked on as a slur against those with a drinking problem. Warning! Actually following these steps will only make you more popular with the cats around you, and should not be attempted by those who wish to be anything other than cat people for the rest of their lives.)

by Ross P. Goldberg

Model is Mikey