Time

Time doesn't heal anything.

Life just goes on. 

Either you go with it or just remain stuck in the constant loop of feeling lost and sad. 

I dont believe we actually heal, we just get sick of being sad about something we have absolutely no control over.

So we suck it up and walk back into our lives and try to act like its all better yet, we know its not all better. everyone knows its not all better, it could never be all better because the only one who can make it better is no longer here.

But we can fake it, kinda. 

We can smile at people and have short conversations. Anything deeper will start the tears, so we keep it light. 

We try to just get through the day like a normal person but there is nothing normal about your life anymore. Everything just feels off.

There are moments of laughter and moments to enjoy but they are so short lived because all you can think about during those moments is how much better it would be if he was still here. 

If you point out a cat that is cute, Im going to tell you how cute Mikey was. 

If a cat does something funny, Im going to tell you about when Mikey did something similar.

If one of my cats isnt being lovey, I remember how Mikey was always lovey.  

Everything brings him to my mind because he is still so alive in my heart.

Time will never take him awày because I wont let it happen. 

If Im moving on he is moving with me which probably sounds counterintuitive but it's a fact.

The only thing that time is doing is reminding me of all the time I'm missing with my Moo. 

Thats it.

But here I am, getting through it.

Getting through it makes me so mad sometimes. 

I know this makes zero sense to a sane person. And thats ok. If you havent been through this, that makes me happy.

I actually dont feel sorry for myself at all. Im so grateful that God gave me something so special that I would love for the rest of my life.

I have been very fortunate. 

With great loss, there is great love.

Model is Mikey

This one is for Mikey

Sorry to do this to you again but I needed to make this one for Mikey.

It's amazing how many times I have asked God to let this all be a dream.

I think I have made it through the bargaining stage of grieving.

It's not a dream, Mikey is not coming back.

I made this on the 1 month anniversary of his death,

I made this video for him of moments we shared that hold such meaning within me.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Mikey, I'm so sorry you are not here physically but mom knows you are right here beside me.

I look back over our life together and there is no doubt that you made me a better me.

I hope I gave you all you have given me.

Don't worry about me because I can feel that you are worried.

I will be ok.

Just know that our time will always be ours, no one and

nothing can take away what we have shared.

You will always be my best friend, for as long as Im alive and beyond.

I need to let you rest now.

Thank you for rescuing me.

I love you.

It's been 730 days since he left here

It's been 730 days since he left here and I have no idea how I have survived these last 2 years without him. I really didn't think that I would survive.

On this 2 year mark of the date that he died, I really want to spend it thinking about all the days that he lived. I have spent enough time thinking about his death. I have been over every detail of that day thousands of times but it's his life that brings me out of that tail spin.

Everytime.

My closet is still set up with all of the things that are related to Mikey. Haley calls it my shrine and she laughs because the letter 'M' is everywhere in my room. She laughs because she knows I can't pass up buying another one when I see them. I cant, it's almost impossible. I don't see myself taking any of his stuff down anytime soon either.

Seeing his face, his stuff, it makes me not feel crazy even though it makes me appear that way. His face is just so familiar. When I see his eyes even just in photographs, it soothes me. Seeing his videos have probably helped me the most. I suggest you take as many videos as you can of your cat's because in the end, they really do help.

It's been such a long time already and I want to say it's gone by fast but that would be a lie. Some days feel like they last all week, especially when I'm really down about him. It's been the longest 2 years of my life because every day is one more day that I haven't seen him.

But I'm here.

I'm still plugging along.

I drag myself out of bed most days but I get out of that damn bed.

Most of those days, I just want to hide but I don't. I get dressed and I do what I have to do for the day even through the tears and all the excuses I try to come up with to stay in my room.

I wish I could bring him back.

I wish he never left.

But he did leave and he is gone.

Of course he is still with me, he will always be with me because he is a part of who I am. I grew into this person that I am today because of him. He made me strong, because he was so brave.

And I swear I just felt him get up on my bed, no shit! As I was typing this I felt something behind me , like a walking cat but when I looked there was no one there.

Oh, but there was someone there.

Because I know in my heart that he would never really leave me.

I think that's what actually keeps me going.

There are some friendships in this life, in any life, that will stand the test of time no matter how long it has been. There is just a bond that cannot be broken, not even in death. Our friendship could never die.

The last two years have been very painful but I've learned so much. Mikey was my security for so long and it's crazy that I would lean so much on him but I did. I needed him. I took everything that I was missing in my life back then and allowed Mikey to fill that void. He did it so well and it helped me to heal because I really needed him to hold.

I still reach for him though, on those nights when my dreams get the best of me and it's difficult when I realize he is no longer here. I have found though, if I close my eyes during those moments, I can still feel him here and it's enough to get me back to sleep and onto the morning.

Then I chalk up, another night without him that I have survived. I feel guilty sometimes for being able to survive without him but I also feel strong and I know that is what he would want because he worked so hard to give me strength.

I have found that I do feel good when I make it through the night because I feel like I am honoring Mikey the way that he deserves to be honored.

I still miss him though and sometimes this lump in my through gives way and the tears just have to fall. I'm strong but it still hurts because I miss him so much.

Model is Mikey March 7, 2003 - February 16, 2021

I miss them.

Missing my babies

 

Right here with me

 

Being her mom has been an honor....

Almost 19 years...

The memories I will keep right here with me.

Sissy

March 7, 2003 -

December 20, 2021

Finding my balance

 It's difficult to put into words what the world feels like to me now...

Usually finding the words comes easy but how I feel now is not easy to describe.

When you have someone who constantly wants to be with you, like every minute of every day, for 18 years. (cant even get close enough to you even when he is on your lap)

And then he is gone.

It does something to your equilibrium.

I'm trying to find my balance.

I miss how much he loved me.

This photograph is of Mikey sitting in the window while I'm outside, I think the look says it all.

He didnt like us to be apart.

I dont like it either.

Model is Mikey

One Last Kiss

 

After bringing Mikey home on the night he died, it was dark and I was glad that I didn't have to bury him yet. 

Bob said he would dig the hole when he got off work the following day, he got off early. 

This still gave me more time to try and wrap my head around all of this. 

I had placed Mikey in his booster seat which is right next to my bed. 

(My mattress is directly on the floor because of Mikey's arthritis, it made it easier for him to get up onto the bed.)

I remember falling aseep with my hand on him, I didn't want to miss one second of the time we had left in this physical world, I knew, I would never have another chance to touch him again. 

He was cold and I kept adjusting his blanket like that would make a difference somehow. 

My brain was in such shock that night, I'm sure most of the things I did would make little sense to the outside world.

I remember not sleeping much that night, waking up many times, praying each time for it all to be a dream but then feeling his coldness would bring me back.

My dreams were so wild that night, I kept dreaming about me running with Mikey, we just kept running, I don't know where we were going but we were running so fast. 

I woud wake up and feel scared.

The following morning just felt like dread, I knew what was coming. 

It took me most of the morning to gather stuff for his burial pod. I talked to him the whole time and watched as each of my cats made their way into our bedroom to say their goodbyes.

Even though, I was gathering his things for burial, I was still in denial a bit, protecting myself from what was about to happen.

I couldn't have him cremated, I just couldn't but the thought of of putting him in the ground was making me physically sick. 

I remember opening and shutting his pod 20 times for one more kiss.

By the time Bob got home and dug the hole, I thought I was as ready as I could be.

Nope.

As we headed to his gravesite, I carried him in his pod but my legs felt so weak, it was the longest shortest walk I have ever taken.

I asked Bob to lower him into the grave and Haley and I watched as the music began to fade. 

I totally lost it. 

I'm serious, like a little kid, I was stomping my feet and crying and screaming no!

Please no.

Haley was holding me up, otherwise I would have fallen. She just kept squeezing me tighter. 

I thought I would want to stay there by his grave for longer but I didnt, I just wanted to sleep. 

I can see his grave from my bedroom window but he is no longer there, I feel him now everywhere else, in our room, in the kitchen outside in the garden, he is all over this place because I am.

It's taken these past months to put it all into perspective, losing Mikey has been so sad but at the same time, it has been so beautiful. 

The outpouring of love after his death and even now has been so incredible. 

To know that his story has touched so many people is actually keeping him alive for me.

He has taught me that even death cannot take from us what we share with one another.

His memory is so alive within me every single day. 

Nothing can take away all the times he has been there for me and he can still be here for me even now and he is because love never dies.

Even in death, he still teaches me.

Models are Mikey and his Mom (me)

Our last cuddle

I'm not me without him

This has been so difficult for me. 

I know he was 18 years old and he lived a long life but I suck here without him.

We were always together no matter what. 

Im trying. 

He has some of the most amazing followers over on Mikey's Cat House

and everywhere really, people from all over. 

I feel so fortunate to have so many of you love him so much. 

Mikey pretty much died from old age, there was no specific illness that took his life, he just stopped eating. 

He had had all the best medical care, I even switched him to a geriatric specialist. 

Wr tried all sorts of stuff and ran all the tests but in the end his body just shut down.

I took him in to be put to rest and his heart stopped after they gave him the sedative. 

It was peaceful but it was awful. 

Im doing the best I can to pick up the pieces but I dont know....

I just miss him. 

We have never been apart this long. 😔

This was taken a couple of weeks before he died. He had lost so much weight, he went from 23lbs to 10 lbs in a little over a month. It was awful.

Mikey died on February 16, 2021

I can see his grave from my bedroom window.

I will still be posting stories and photos of Mikey here and in his Facebook Group Mikey's Cat House.

THE DAY THE MUSIC DIED

 

He is gone and he has taken so much of who I am with him. 

I will post more later but for now I need a minute. 

18 of the most beautiful years.

Mitsi Passed Away

I wanted to let you know about Mitsi, my Mama cat, she passed away in November.

Mitsi was pregnant when I rescued her and she had her kittens the very next day.

We let her raise her kittens in the warm house and when they got older I created an online adoption application for them and over 50 people applied to adopt them. They all went to amazing homes.

I knew from the get that I wanted to keep Mitsi.

About six months or so after the kittens went to their forever homes Mitsi was diagnosed with severe stomatitis which means her mouth was inflamed, her gums were a dark red and her throat looked like hamburger meat. Her whole mouth was covered in ulcers.

The only hope for a cure would be to have all of her teeth removed and it would cost $1200 for the surgery in Sacramento but with no guarantee it would work.

We decided to wait because of the money it would cost and we moved to Oregon.

She was on pain killers but cats don't do so well on long term pain killers, their kidneys usually get pissed off.

Once we moved here I raised the money to have her teeth removed and it didn't cost quite as much but still a lot.

Mitsi did so well after surgery but her vet was concerned because her gums were so bad they wouldn't even hold a suture.

She recovered and we thought she was home free. She was so happy but then it returned and it was worse than before.

For the last year of her life she has been on pain meds every single day.
She has been mostly out of it all the time. We did have our times though each day when she would be all lovey.

The last few weeks of her life I noticed her weight loss. I figured it was her mouth hurting and her not eating enough.

But on November 26th she went to take a step and fell over. She had two seizures and she died in my arms.

My heart has been broken ever since.

I just miss her so much.

You know, when I met her she was a feral cat living under a trailer. I tried to get her many times with no luck but the day before she was to have her kittens she decided to take a chance on me and she allowed me to get her into that carrier.

She did it for her babies, I know she did. She took a chance and it paid off. She always seemed so grateful.

I really do miss her so much.

This is Mitsi, I called her Mama though because she earned that title.

Model is Mitsi (Mama)

Here is the post when we first met.

MITSI'S FRIENDSHIP (A MAMA CAT RESCUE)